Anger And Depression
When some people get depressed, they simply get extremely withdrawn. They go around in a solitary stupor, not wanting to talk to other people and blaming themselves for everything. For me, however, anger and depression go hand-in-hand. When I am angry and depressed, I feel like the world is out to get me. I don’t withdraw from the world. I resent it and hate it and want to fight with it. It is an unpleasant feeling, but one that I can’t let go of. The depression and anger spiral out of control until I can’t be around anyone without finding them difficult to tolerate in the extreme.
Of course, as a psychology major I have some insight into my own condition. There are a lot of different ways people deal with depression, and I know what purpose mine serves and why I do it. Feeling depressed and hopeless is just too hard for me. I would rather feel angry and depressive, keeping the rage inside of me. It gives me motivation to do things and helps me work my way out of my clinical depression.
The problem is that, in some ways, Anger and depression stop me from seeing the role that I play in my own ongoing problems. When I went in for cognitive psychology counseling, I would often argue in circles with my therapist, debating why I was unhappy. He claims that I couldn’t see certain self-destructive patterns in my life because of the anger and depression that I felt, and that that was one of the main reasons that I was miserable all the time. I was more inclined to blame things that were beyond my control as a way to escape from responsibility. I was living a very active life and not sinking into brooding, lethargic misery, but at the same time I was unwilling to change and let go of all of that hatred.
I guess this is the double-edged sword of aggressive psychology. People prone to aggressive thinking have so much fire in their bellies that they can really take on the world. On the other hand, we tend to be our own worst enemies. We are so keyed up to fight for our own rights that we sometimes miss it when we trample on other people and their rights, or even when we get in our own ways. Sometimes, just letting go of all the anger and depression makes a much bigger difference than lashing out will. I’ve been trying to learn this in depression counseling, but it’s a slow process. Hopefully, some day I will finally get it and be able to break the cycle of depression and anger.